The Klaviyo Cult: Why You’re Being Conned (And What to Do About It)
Let’s talk about the Klaviyo Cult. You’ve seen their disciples: The shills on YouTube, Twitter, and LinkedIn telling you how they made $99,000,000 in revenue last month using “high-converting automations.”
All you need to do is build out 47 abandoned cart flows, segment everyone who clicked a button, and create 18 different subject line variations.
Oh, and don’t forget—pay $200/month minimum just to access the magic.
It’s a con.
A marketing cult.
A vampire with a slick UI and a SaaS sales funnel, not to mention an army of salesmen trying to earn commissions.
They Make Money If You Never Leave
Here’s what these shills never tell you:
They earn recurring commissions from Klaviyo and Mailchimp every time you stay subscribed.
That’s why they don’t care if your campaigns actually work.
They don’t care if your list is 3,000 warm customers who already know you and just want a damn coupon or product update.
They’re making money off your confusion.
They’ve convinced small business owners that unless you’re paying $250/month and using 900 “automations,” you’re not doing email right.
That’s not strategy. That’s addiction.
You’re Not Nike. You’re Not Coca-Cola. Stop Thinking You Need Their Tools.
Big brands do A/B testing because they send millions of emails a day.
They run global campaigns with 99 million data points.
You don’t need any of that. You need:
- A clean list
- A good message
- A simple offer
- A schedule
That’s it. You don’t need to know whether Sharon clicked a link 6 months ago or if Bob scrolled halfway through your abandoned cart email.
That kind of logic only exists to justify bloated ESP pricing and make you think you need them.
The Gatekeeping Is Real
So here’s the real question:
If not Klaviyo… if not Mailchimp… then how do you send email?
They want you to believe it’s impossible. That it’s too hard. That it requires “infrastructure.”
That’s how they control you.
That’s the scam.
The truth? We’ve had the tech all along: Amazon SES. Sendy. MailBullet.
We just needed someone to put it together and make it user-friendly. So I did.
MailBullet = Marketing Robin Hood
MailBullet is built to steal email back from the tech lords and give it to the people who actually run businesses.
We took industrial-grade infrastructure (Amazon SES), wrapped it in a clean interface (our custom MailBullet UI), and priced it at a number that makes ESPs sick:
$15/month + $0.0001 per email.
Unlimited contacts. Unlimited potential.
We don’t charge you more for growing.
We don’t care how many people are on your list.
We don’t punish you for success.
Real Email Strategy for Real Businesses
Here’s how to win at email in 2025:
- Stop obsessing over flows.
- Stop over-engineering segments.
- Stop listening to gurus who’ve never run a real business.
Just:
- Build a list of people who actually care.
- Email them regularly.
- Make good offers.
- And don’t be afraid to be yourself.
If you’re funny, be funny.
If you’re insightful, teach something.
If you’ve got a good deal, tell them fast.
That’s how you build brand loyalty and recurring revenue.
Not with 12-step segment waterfalls and AI subject line testing that takes 9 hours.
Join the Mission
You’re not broken. You’re not stupid. You don’t need “email strategy coaching.”
You just need control.
MailBullet gives it back to you.
Fire off the fees.
Forge your empire.
Escape the Klaviyo Cult.
We’re not selling snake oil. We’re offering the truth.
Join the rebellion.
